This Morning, Freaking shocking I have to say, It was like what? 3-4am?

I'M STILL SHOCKED!!!
But I kept it cool in the morning but I guess it has not sunk in.
But when I woke up like now, I have to admit that I was like _______
But then I went to take my Bible and read some verses and I think I am quite okay with it. :)

Anyway, the verses mention this word which i'm so lacking:
TRUST TRUST TRUST.
The one major problem I go through everyday in life is trusting him
I find it really hard to put my life on someone that I have known all my life but I have never seen him or anything.
what is worst is that at times I have felt that there is no such thing as God. Then I just stop and think and how can there not be God, where I am now is by the Glory of God. I should not complain about how screwed up my life is and why all these bad things keep happening to me.

And then when I go through all these things, I just helps me know myself better which is good in a way, but most of the time I realised that I'm the problem. I can't change anything unless it's God plan.

I just have to trust him and do everything for God. Kenneth told me : Put God first in everything.

So why is it so hard for me to put Him first? I think I just don't love God enough. I put earthly things, people, feelings before him. I know it sounds like I'm a really a bad christian. But I guess every Christian has a day when they feel like this.

You know what I want to have?
I just want my parents not to be disappointed with me
I just want to be loved
I just want to be a shining light for God
I want to help God save more people
I want to accept myself
I want others to accept me for who I am

When I get rejected by my parents or anyone. My entire world falls apart the closer you are to me the harder it is for me to love myself and when I keep trying and they are not pleased. It just breaks me into million pieces.

My mom told me once that: I will never be the top of the class when I went Qss and she told me I should not get upset and all if I don't do well. (I think there is a better way to phrase this, like I will never forget what my mom said to me and I don't know but ever since she told that to me, it stayed with me and I kind of let it affect my studies and all)

And In SYC yesterday, Uncle David told us that what we are today is because of our childhood. I know it may seem like my childhood is perfect or whatever but I think I was more emotionally criticised by people around me and it really did make me think differently now. And like most of the times my friends were there but like the best thing to hear is when your parents are proud of you.

There is wall I put up between my parents I just can't let it down and like I know they have been loving and supportive at times but other than that they were really not the parents that showed me love and I can't trust them. Just so many things they have told people of me that should not have been said.

I realised I'm really blogging everything out, hmmm there is more but I don't want to type anymore about it.

I shall stop here for today.